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warmth

Merry Christmas!

Posted on 12.24.09 at 9:16pm
What I'm feeling: hopefulhopeful
What I'm listening to: Trans Siberian Orchestra "Pachelbel in D"
I know I owe quite a few of you email, but until I get around to that, I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year. Quite a few of you are very beloved to me, dear friends, and counted among my most precious of treasures.

I hope and pray that the New Year comes with bright promise for all of us. Better lives, happier relationships, enjoyable jobs, everything.

I love you all so very much.

Merry Christmas.

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A little late, but....

Posted on 9.20.09 at 10:49pm
What I'm feeling: amusedamused
What I'm listening to: Marie Digby "Come Find Me"
Tags: ,
As I was sorting through my files (an endless task I swear), I came across a piccy I made for Talk Like A Pirate Day a couple of years ago. I know it's a little late, but I just had to share!

Photobucket

touched

Rest in Peace

Posted on 9.14.09 at 10:57pm
What I'm feeling: sadsad
What I'm listening to: Josh Groban "Remember Me"
Imagine my shock when, after I came back upstairs after having a late dinner, the front page of Yahoo! announced that Patrick Swayze (of Dirty Dancing and Ghost fame) was dead. I just stared at the article, unable to wrap my brain around it.

It isn't that I know him personally. But the loss is felt anyway. Part of it is because, in a strange way, Dirty Dancing was my coming-of-age movie. In fact it was very much a coming-of-age movie for many girls and continues to be so.

In Ghost, Patrick was the spirit of a man who tried very hard to protect the woman he loved.

He's done other movies. I remember fondly the corny movie, To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, where he played the role of a drag queen. (I still remember reading an interview where he mentioned that his wife had to teach him how to walk like a woman. Just imagining that and how much fun they just had to have during that is also adorable.)

When I learned he was stricken with pancreatic cancer, my heart clutched. There are many cancers that, if caught early, are survival. Some, such as pancreatic cancer, are not. (Or rather, a very very slim chance of surviving.) He fought it for 20 months, persisted stubbornly in acting in a TV show. Acting, especially in television, is actually a rather exhausting job (often more than 14 hours a day if you're a main character!).

He tried. He held off that beast for 20 months.

He didn't make it.

Rest in peace, Patrick.

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Glee!

Posted on 9.08.09 at 11:42pm
What I'm feeling: bouncybouncy
What I'm listening to: Cast of Glee "Don't Stop Believin'"
Tags:
Oh. My. Gods!

I'm in love with the show "Glee" and it's only had one episode so far! I got to watch the extended version last week and just fell in love with it. It's eclectic, musical (and I'm a sucker for musical shows), and the characters are just adorable.

But what really grabbed me was the show's version of the song, Don't Stop Believin'. What I also love is the teacher who decided to continue the Glee Club (thus the name of the show). He wanted the students to feel like they can express themselves artistically. However, when his wife (and ugh, I hate his wife! >.<) told him she was pregnant, he felt he had to quit his job as a teacher and take a job as an accountant so they could have more money.

The school's guidance counselor... she's a nut, but a cute one. I like her. She sat down with him and said she found a video of him when he was in the Glee Club as a student years ago. I can't remember exactly what she said but she had a good point: why give up something you love? And seriously, he made enough as a teacher (especially if the high school could afford a music class and whatnot!); it's just his wife who kept spending way too much and then blamed him for not having enough. (See why I hate her?)

Just as the teacher is about to leave, he hears music. The students decided to keep the club going on their own and did the song; the teacher walks in and he's just blown away by their talent. He can't do it. He can't leave. This was his life's blood. Walking away now would mean he abandoned his dreams twice over.

I can't wait for the full season to start tomorrow. It's looking quite worthy of the high critical praise it's been getting.

And the song I spoke of? Once again YouTube provides and I share.


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Sleeeeeep....

Posted on 9.02.09 at 2:46am
What I'm feeling: stressedstressed
What I'm listening to: Barenaked Ladies "Who Needs Sleep?"
Tags: , , ,
It's almost 3 in the morning. I'm exhausted, having not slept well due to body aches galore and stress killing my brain. (I swear it is!) I also got up earlier than I wanted so I could go with Robert while he took his cat, Aurora, to the vet, to make sure she's okay. (She is.) So yeah, I'm exhausted. My eyes are giving me that kind of achy dryness that says sleep would be good.

So what am I doing still on the computer?!

Argh.

Reminds me of a song Robert shared once, by the Barenaked Ladies.

Song and Song LyricsCollapse )

I also want to add: I know nowadays a lot of people are under a great deal of stress. The economic crisis, natural and man-made disasters seem to be worse this year, loved ones being sent to war and some don't come back, and just general "Gods, life sucks".... A lot of people don't stop to think, to pause, and maybe do an act of kindness, for the sake of being kind and not self-satisfaction.

I was just told by someone that something I said (and I can't even remember what it was!) the other day meant a lot to her because she was under a great deal of stress and having that kindness really helped her. I just did it because I meant what I said.

These days... we should really reach out more, help others, even if it's just to smile at a stranger, say thank you to the person ringing up your purchases, helping someone with the door. Anything. It can really turn a person's day around.

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Some bad news, some... good? Plus more random thoughts.

Posted on 8.11.09 at 10:58pm
What I'm feeling: tiredtired
What I'm listening to: Josh Groban "Now or Never"
Right. I haven't posted because I was quite frankly reeling from some stunning news last week. I wish I could say they were fantastic news. Instead....

Due to my insomnia, my sleep hours are often incredibly whacky. So last week, Robert come home from something (I can't remember) and I just woke up. He had this look on his face. It was not the look of someone content or happy; it was a look of something deeply worrying and bad. So at my encouragement, he told me.

The news was, his parents spoke to him and he relayed it to me. And that was... if we didn't find a job, an apartment and move out by May of next year, they were going to kick us out. If we didn't have a place to stay, then homeless it was. I was floored, just utterly floored.

A part of me wanted to go downstairs and wave the news articles at his parents, the ones saying that Florida had one of the highest unemployment/jobless rate in the country, that despite all those optimistic reports, the economy was not going to just miraculously pull a job out of the hat for Robert to take! The national unemployment rate is like 9%. Florida's is almost 11%. And if you look at classifieds and online, there's so very little hiring right now. Those that are are often filled so quickly you'd get whiplash.

That's also on top of "You're lucky if you'd earn enough to live on".

What shocks and hurts me the most is that Robert's parents know I'm disabled, that Social Security continues to be assholes and given the state of things, I am not going to be blessed with any assistance from the government right now. Even with a lawyer. I say this because my friend in California has a lawyer, has a doctor's diagnosis and Social Security is still denying her claim.

Did they expect me to find some job I could do on my own time? I'm sorry, most of those jobs are... well... quite frankly not possible for me right now. My sleep has been getting worse, my pain is worse, the insomnia is worse. Having this bomb, out of the blue, is quite frankly shocking.

My own family doesn't believe me. I guess it seems his parents don't believe me either. I'd love to go to a doctor and say "Figure out WTF is wrong with me NOW!" but.. how the hell am I going to do that? Seriously. Florida fails in terms of free clinics and sliding-scale clinics insist on basing the fee on the earnings of Robert's parents as they're "supporting" me. Considering they make a decent living, it's too much. I won't pay that much.

Turned out maybe it's a good thing. *huffs*

You can imagine how I felt at the news. I was shocked, hurt, and flabbergasted. Robert and I spent roughly two hours discussing options. He still has one more semester to go before he graduates with a bachelors in psychology. (Fortune blessed him on one end; he was able to get that last language class so he can fulfill the requirements for the fall.) He had a couple of friends whom he could move in with and one of them might be willing to let me move in as well. The drawback? That person smoked. And I am violently allergic to cigarettes, gaining a migraine-like headache that lasts me days.

We discussed my options. There was Vendy's ex-fiance, with whom I am good friends. I also had my friend and her family in California who pretty much extended a permanent "You can visit/move in anytime." (There's a reason I consider them my second family.) And, much to my stunned amazement, a friend in England also extended the offer to live with her. (This provided if she can get the extra income she was hoping to; then she'd just pay for my move.)

I had better friends than I realized.

However, nearly each and every one of those offers had pros and cons. Some I could cope with, some I might not be able to. It's a tough decision. Especially as it means, once more, moving all over again. (Marking that move number 34. And I'm still not 30!)

Of course, Robert and I would prefer that didn't happen at all. But the way things are going, I daren't wait until the last minute to move. Especially if the finances are that tight. Boxes would need to be shipped... things to be moved. Again.

Gods be good, I'm bordering on a panic attack at times. It's not what I... expected. I have so much that needs doing. And I don't know how to achieve most of them.

At least I have something of a safety net to fall on.

~ ~ ~


I read this recent Sunday's Parade magazine. For those who get newspapers, Parade is like this little entertainment/health/political thing that comes every week. This one caught my eye for a particular reason: they were interviewing Brad Pitt. Now, I'm not the sort to go fangirly and shriek at hearing about him. But I have to say, I respect the guy as an actor. He's fabulous, melding into his roles with incredible skill.

Do I care that he supposedly cheated on his wife while making a movie with Angelina Jolie? Not really. Just goes to show he's human, like the rest of us. I do like the fact that he considers Angelina's three adopted kids as his own, going as far as to adopt them.

Anyway. This interview had quite a few tidbits of wisdom that I like. And so, here are the bits:

Cut to preserve lengthCollapse )

Well. I guess that's it. I'm still floundering as to decisions. It'll take time, but I don't have a lot of it left.... Time flies faster than we realize.

wolfrider

I know it's been a while...

Posted on 7.29.09 at 2:24am
What I'm feeling: sadsad
What I'm listening to: Moulin Rouge OST
..since I posted. I'm sorry for that, but I am still alive, enduring however I can. Insomnia of late has been difficult. Sleep, when I have it, is heavily riddled with pain and agony.

Other than that, I've actually been having a ball in Guild Wars again. I'm enjoying the roleplay, the people. I've already befriended a couple of the members, I think; I say "I think" because it's not outright said but the people and I do talk to each other a lot.

Sure there are a few issues, but none so horrible.

That makes me happy.

Sadly, on the flip side, my muse is dead or dying again. I still can't paint (dammit!) and writing is a struggle still. I have a few ideas as to why and it's difficult to share so publicly. But the bottom line is: life is hard, and getting harder.

Florida has hit a 10% unemployment rate. I'm betting it's higher than that as they calculate using those who draw on unemployment. Cuts are everywhere and it's looking to be harder.

It's difficult for me because I'm more or less a financial drain on Robert and his family. I know they care about me and love me, but it doesn't make it easy. I cannot work due to my health and the vicious cycle of Social Security is getting nowhere too.

I want to write. I want to write and finish a book and get it published. Then that little bit of income would be an immense relief for me. I feel confident enough in my writing abilities that I could be published.

It's just so difficult to get to that point to write. It doesn't help that my shoulder is killing me again. That currently the pain in my body is centered right between the shoulder blades on my back. Comfort is something of a stranger to me.

Yet, all I can still think about is what I saw last week. Every time I think about it makes me cry, just a little bit.

About a month and a half ago, Robert's mom got me hooked on So You Think You Can Dance. I've enjoyed it and found myself wistfully wishing I knew how to dance, that I learned as a child. There were quite a few emotionally potent dances, strong and stirring.

Then last week happened. I bawled for half an hour, so strongly moved by that dance because it hit home. I am the daughter of someone who did not survive the battle to cancer. Those who know me know the impact it has left; I still carry those wounds and likely will for the rest of my life.

Death is something we all strive to avoid so heavily because it is so final. Having a marriage broken is devastating, yes, but it isn't fatal. We can pick up the pieces and try to live again. But death? As much as we try to deny it, death is a part of life.

Death simply is.

It's the struggle that leaves the impact. Watching my mother struggle and suffer and I'll ever be plagued by what ifs. Death is a door that fits only one person.

The Ferrett wrote a poignant journal entry about the struggle his mother is experiencing by saying goodbye to her husband. I do suggest it be read. The link is here. Someone left in the comments that made me flinch but nod at the same time:

4. Which of these phrases most typifies the profoundest love:
A. Don't leave me with strangers.
B. I love you.
C. God is love.
D. Use the needle.
— Harlan Ellison, The Deathbird


Speaking of The Ferrett, he also wrote an entry about the health care system in the US. He writes it so much better than I could've managed. So read that too.

So what about this dance that left me so choked with tears? Thanks to YouTube I can share it with you. I am picking the video with the judges' words because I feel it needs to be said. It needs to be shared.

The actual dance:



The judges' words and reactions that follow:



Cut to spare my flistCollapse )

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Oh, great, more erg....

Posted on 6.30.09 at 4:37am
What I'm feeling: sicksick
I think I'm coming down with something. Aside from the usual aches and misery, I'm getting this sense I haven't felt in an age. I daresay it's the flamin' flu.

Crap.

It's still pretty warm here. Though there's a slight drop in the temperatures, which is a good thing. Even my cat, Kyrie--who so loved to go out into the patio enclosure--was pretty much going "Can I stay inside, momma?"

Energy-wise I'm still feeling very shot. It takes a lot out of me just to write a few paragraphs. That, to me, speaks volumes.

And people keep saying that America's health care system doesn't need fixing. *shakes head* If a family of four can't afford the monthly insurance--gods know mine couldn't, when my parents had money and a job--that's when we know it's bad all around.

Anyway, just before I turn in and pray that my head stops hurting and that I can swallow without hurting myself.... I came across something that struck me as interesting to share. Say what you will about Jim Morrison, the man knew his stuff.

He wrote: “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

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A quick, tired note

Posted on 6.23.09 at 10:11am
What I'm feeling: depresseddepressed
What I'm listening to: Nickelback "Gotta be somebody"
Tags: , ,
-Still alive. Barely. Insomnia has been hitting me harder these past few weeks, more than ever before. Last week, I've had the misfortune of being awake for roughly two days in a row and then sleeping nearly a full day to make up for it. Looks like it's happening again today. Gods.

-Got amused earlier when I heard very soft rumbles while doing my business in the bathroom. I ask Robert "Is that thunder?" He goes "It's just the AC." Me "Are you sure? I never heard the AC like this before." He repeats that it's the AC. So, fine, I say "If it's actually a thunderstorm coming, I'll laugh." He mocks me, "A thunderstorm in Florida. Oh no." Pfft. I was right anyway, it was a thunderstorm. So I laughed.

-It's also been gods awful hot of late. Roughly mid to high 90s with the heat index way up past 105 degrees. Holy gods. I'm not even letting my cat out into the patio enclosure just because I don't want her getting sick. The weather says it might be getting cooler but I'll believe it when I see it.

-Speaking of the heat, turned out the downstairs AC died sometime last week. No wonder I felt it was unusually hot and that the AC upstairs wasn't working as well. Got fixed, I believe, as I'm feeling much cooler again. Whew.

-My headaches have been getting worse. For years I've always experienced a kind of low-level constant headache, in the frontal lobe. Medication has rarely worked for it and I didn't want to be the type to have to take an aspirin every single day. I've more or less grown to tolerate it. Except now it's getting worse, stronger. Wish to high hells I could go see a doctor about this. (Stupid USA and their refusal to do public health care.) Of course if it persists in getting stronger than they are now, I might try bugging the free clinic. Not that they can do much but... I don't think it's just because of my sinus issues (that everyone seems to think is the cause). We'll see.

-Wish I could paint again. Seemed that earlier spurt was just that, a quick rush and boom, gone again. The same with writing. It's utterly frustrating. I have all these ideas and wishes, things I want to do, things I need to do, and it's difficult as it is to just push myself to be bothered to cook and have a meal. It's heartbreaking sometimes. Frequently, even. Gets me depressed and makes me want to cry. How can I have a life if I can barely muster up the energy to even feed? Gods....

-It's worse when I have plans, things that need to be done. Things that might help Robert and me achieve something on our own, like get a job, move out, have our own place. I know Robert's parents are pushing for that and I can understand the need. We're draining their funds, owing them a lot of money. But it's still difficult to get myself to move. It's like I told a friend who called me last night: "Yeah, I did say that calling at this time would be a good time... yesterday." She realized that it changes day to day. I can't predict what time I'll be awake tomorrow, or the end of the week. I wish it were otherwise.

-Bleh. Depressing shift. Sorry. Just... this is an insight to what my life is every day. And how I wish it were otherwise.

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This is ridiculously cute....

Posted on 6.16.09 at 4:43am
What I'm feeling: sicksick
What I'm listening to: Heather Dale "Mordred's Lullaby"
Tags:
Came across this frikkin' adorable site. It bears sharing. I mean, come on... it's a story about milk teeth! But it's so damned ingenious.

Yes, it's been a while since I've posted here. I'll try to, soon. Life has been... ergh.

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